On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
