does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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