does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
