i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
