i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
