whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
