I can tuck mytits in my pants
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
