She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
