Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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