This is not my ceiling
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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