My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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