God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
