Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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