Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
