the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
