my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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