he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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