i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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