1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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