Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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