remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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