You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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