I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
