He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
