He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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