i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
