remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
