his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
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