she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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