okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
