Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
