We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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