Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
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