lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
