put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
