I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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