I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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