I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Panties = found
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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