My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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