I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
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