he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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