I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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