Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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