U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
