Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
