how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
