I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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