I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
