I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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