I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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