Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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